I love my mommy!!

Wednesday and Thursday February 8 and 9 I was off of work because I was sick. I saw my mom on Wednesday, I remember kissing her good bye. Thursday she called me in the morning and then we talked like we always do at night. The last thing I said to her was: love you, night, bye. I guess that is a good way to end things….. Friday February 10 I went back to work. I start at 8:30 and my mom starts work at 8, so every morning when I get to work there would be an email from her asking if I made it to work ok. She was such a worrier, and sometimes that annoyed me. Now I’d give anything for that daily email. I didn’t even look at my email when I got to work, which is very unusual, because my boss needed to catch me up on all of the things I missed. After she finished I went into the dressing room to check in an order. I had just sat down and the phone rang. I decided, no, I just sat down I am NOT getting up. Usually after 4 rings it stops and goes to voice mail. This time, however, was different, after 4 rings there was a weird tiny pause and it just kept ringing. I remember being angry and saying to myself: FINE I’ll get up and answer it! So as I pick up the receiver I happen to glance at the caller id and recognize my dad’s cell number. It was him, delivering the worst news of my life. My mom had a massive heart attack a couple minutes after getting to work. Had I checked my email and noticed there was no email from her, would I have had enough time to call and help….probably not, but I still can’t help but wonder. Supposedly she was rushed to Elmhurst Memorial Hospital, and her heart was started again but she had too much time without oxygen to her brain. However, on the phone my dad said she was alive. I believed that. Nicole from work drove me to the hospital. I see my dad and cry, he tells me don’t cry. I see my mom in the ER and still think she is going to be fine. Just sleeping. That night Darrell and me go home, but I can’t sleep. I never leave the hospital again after that at least not more than a couple hours. My dad and I spent every night there in ICU with my mom. I still had hope even though the neurologist said from day 1 she would never recover, never wake up. Could she hear me talking to her, praying for her, whispering to her, crying over her to please get up and that I love her?! I’ll never know. Did she see how devoted dad was to her? All those days pass in a blur, tons of people come to visit. Sometimes it got overwhelming. I cried a lot. Monday was the 2nd brain test, same bad news. My dad has to make the worst decision in his life, to take her off of the ventilator. I feel bad he had to make that choice, had it been my choice to make, I would have left her on it forever. But it wouldn’t have been for her, it would have been for my selfish self. I need her here, with me, I couldn’t let go. My brother and Amanda got there on Monday. My heart broke for Randy when he asked to talk to her alone. My heart broke again when Amanda thanked my mom for being there for her. I loved that Aunt Judy and Colleen came every day. I can’t thank Pastor Paula enough for everything. Then Tuesday at 3pm came, they took her off the ventilator. The doctor said she wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes, that she’d never be moved to hospice. But she was moved to hospice. The doctor was wrong, so how do I know that he wasn’t wrong about her never waking up? Had we kept her on, would she have woken up a week, 2 weeks, 2 months later? I need to stop with the what if’s, but it’s so hard. We moved up to hospice. This time my dad, myself and Randy stayed the night. 14 hours later at a  couple minutes to 6am I bolted awake, looked at my mom and saw she was breathing. I thought for a brief second to get up and go hold my mom’s hand. But no, I was again selfish and felt too tired and laid my head back down on the pillow. Then my brother got up, looked at mom and went to the bathroom. Everything was still ok I thought. Then i felt my dad move, he was staring at my mom. He told me the most devastating news of my life. She stopped breathing. I jumped up and ran to her, and the 3 of us stood around her and told her how much we loved her and that we would miss her. I will never forgive myself for not getting up and holding her hand as she took her last breath, it would have been the least I could have done……….. Now she is gone. She had an amazing turn out at the wake, which proves how many people she touched, something I always new, but should have told her more. Her funeral service was beautiful, and very sad. I seriously don’t know how I can go one. I would have liked to have died with her, but in the end I could never do that to my dad. We need each other. I’m just so scared now that I will lose him and my husband too, and then I will be alone. Mom, you are my hero, I wish I had told you. I loved you more than anything. I wish I had given you more hugs, I’d give anything to have one from you right now. I’m sorry I made a big deal about calling you every night, again I’d do anything for just one more call. I really have to believe there is a Heaven. If there is I have no doubt you are up there right now, and I really need to believe it so that I really can see you again someday. Dad, Randy, Amanda, myself, Darrell, Frisky, Pepper, Oreo, Blackie, Mary, Batman, Moab, Tellico and Mingo, miss you and love you dearly. Rest in peace, best mom in the world, until we all meet again someday………..